If the toilet seat could talk

What tales it would say

Tales of woe of day to day

Worse than that of Thales of Miletos

About what it has been through

About the terrible world around it

And the terrible people in it

If the toilet seat could talk

No government’s propaganda would seal its mouth

No, not even political touts could stop it from speaking out

No amount of bribery would change its mind

The whole world would listen and think

If the toilet seat could talk

About the smells it has perceived

You, yes you, would be very embarrassed by the products of our arses and our organs

Products that smell worst than fermented farts

By that ever bleeding redness

By Those balls of steel hanging from our crotch like baits on a fishing hook

Dangling like dead stone cold crooks on a guillotine

From the pubic hairs that lay fallow like a rural farm waiting for the day of deforestation

Hairs that has become matured and long enough to string a guitar

That lay yellow with caked layers of daily, smelly sweat of stress and neglect

If the toilet seat could talk

About the sights and sounds in the john

About the moans and groans of satisfaction

About the twitching and shitty faces made

What about the terrible fart sounds?

Produced from the sour looking, narrow, smelly, god given piece of anuses

If the toilet seat had the power

To choose who to seat on it and otherwise

Many men and women would do it in the bushes

Or in the dead of the night when the toilet could not see

Because they would never get a pass mark

Their property would disqualify them

Their stretch marked arses,

With funny shapes and sizes

Diseased with all manners of skin disease man could name

Would never give them a pass mark

If and only if the toilet could do all this

The toilet seat would have gotten it well deserved respect

As the most sexually, physically, nasally abused fixture in the home

If and only if it could do all these

People would think twice and check themselves before going to the john

And all would be well

But frankly, thank God that great white throne cannot utter a word

Just imagine what you would hear in the news

Imagine what friendly toilets seat in the your neighbourhood would be discussing

Giggling and laughing as every neighbour passes by

Imagine what would happen if they had a union

Sometimes I wish we could emulate the greatest virtue of the toilet seat

INDISCRIMINATION, yes, that’s it

It does not discriminate arse colour, white, black yellow, red, spotted, diseased, stretched marked, dirty, and clean

It embraces all shapes and sizes of arses, flat, big, small, wrinkled, scarred.

All manner of smells, from the worst fart to the smelliest pee

If we could all follow this, the world would have nothing like

Racist, terrorist, corruption, nepotism and all other negatives

The world would be a peaceful place

So next time you visit the john

Think about this

And give the water closet

It deserved respect